46. the free kite

Wearing bishop-sleeved chiffon top (thrifted), and kain batik.

These past few days have been really trying. I lost something that I thought would change my life forever. I guess the Almighty decided that I was not ready for it yet, and saw fit to take it away from me. I almost had it, but it did not materialize yet.

When I lost it, I felt an overwhelming wave of grief; should you shed tears over something you never held, touched, or felt? If I did have it, my life would have been turned completely upside down.  Life would have never been the same. Such was the impact of such a little thing.

But with that sense of loss, I also felt somewhat relieved. That my future will remain the same, that the sails I have set in my life, will continue to steer down the path I intended it to.  With that relief, it lead me to feeling guilt. That I was so relieved at my little lost. The guilt consumed me a little, though I hid it very well. And with that guilt, I would feel the grief overwhelm me again.

With the raw emotions of losing something, I went back to my hometown to pray over my Grandma's grave. And I'm reminded that nothing truly belongs to you, that we are but dust and ash, and everything returns back to where it belong, and that the when is determined by Him.

The kain (skirt) I'm wearing in the picture above belonged to my beloved Grandma (she passed away in May 2006), a small, nostalgic piece that once belonged to her. Maybe He doesn't take away everything, but leaves you with small things, like clothes and memories, for you to remember them by.

*Apologies to my dear readers if I am speaking in riddles or metaphors - what I lost was very important and dear to me - maybe some of you understand, some of you are beyond confused as to what I am trying to say. You can interpret it to however you see fit, maybe you lost something important once :)