69. On to the next one.

The journey of life has been a crazy journey from the beginning until the present. What a tumultuous journey, an upside-down rollercoaster ride, that flips you full throttle, belly deep, pulling you down and up as you steadily make your way to the end.

There is a lot going on in my life now; good things, Alhamdulillah. Praise be to God for all the wonderful things in my life. And now, another blessed thing will happen, and I can't wait. Maybe it's too early to say, so I shall just wait, until I can finally say it.

May Allah bless this journey, make it easy and let me not forget it, or if the road is hard, then help me to endure it with humility, grace, and patience.

61. what's stopping you?

And it's true. How?

Just bottle up all that anxiety, stress, anger, disappointment, and negativity into an imaginary bottle. 

Just put your arms in front of you, shoulders apart.

Imagine that you're gathering all of those torrential feelings into a bottle.

Push your arms closer together as if you're trying to compress all of this vibe into a compact bottle.

Compress it until it becomes a ball of nothingness.

Toss the abstract bottle over your shoulder.
Shrug it off and move on with your life.

58. cheap thrills

And we'll never be royals,
It don't run in our blood,
That kind of lux just ain't for us,
We crave a different kind of buzz
- Lorde; Royals

I've been on all types of dates, from the worst, to the best type, on the dating spectrum. One of the best ones was a restaurant I went to in KL, it was one of those exclusive types on the top floor in KL, where you needed to reserve a few weeks in advanced, you could see the majestic skyline of KL, the waiter serving you donned a white cloth on his left arm, and the dress code didn't accept anything less than heels and dresses for girls. My date for the night wore a crisp shirt, I thought he looked so handsome.

But there was an interior motive to this glitz and glam.

He turned out to be an asshole who wanted a shag on the first date.

Needless to say, I didn't see him again when he hinted he could get a room in the hotel. 

Ugh. After that, I swore I wouldn't be blinded by a guy's bling bling.

I've been with my current boyfriend for a few months, and so far we haven't really gone anywhere fancy. No fancy restaurants with discreet tips to the receptionist, no places where the meal is worth a quarter of my salary. It's the simple things, actually.

People say you need to have money to have a partner, partly that's true, but you don't need an obscene, lavish amount. It's not like you're planning to pick out diamonds from his/her bellybutton kan? 

Things like travelling a lot together. Forcing myself to stay awake while he drives to Penang 4 hours straight. Trudging through a muddy field at a friend's wedding. Waking up at midnight and dragging him to McD for a cheeseburger. Walking in the city, spilling our hopes, dreams, and goals to each other. Watching a movie and feeling his fingertips creep around mine. Waiting for both schedules to be free so we could watch Game of Thrones together. Waiting for him to come home so I can lay my head on his lap and unload the daily news that unfolded. When he kisses my forehead. I'm so fond of these things, and every time I think about it, I shiver because it's too good, it's too great.

These are the things I want to remember forever. I think those lavish dinner dates are great, but only if you're dating the son of Roman Abramovich. It's great if it happens once in a while. But if it happens everyday, then the value of the date itself will disintegrate. All these expensive places won't mean much because it's happening everyday. How much foie gras and wagyu beef can you eat anyway?

And at the end of the day, which one will last forever? The three-hundred-ringgit worth of lobster in your stomach that you'll churn out anyway, or the memories that the finest restaurant can't give you? 

Ideas for a cheap date:

1. Picnic at a park 

2. Movie dates

3. Hot dogs, currypuffs and people watching at Ikea!

4. Coffee dates

5. Save up your money and go travel!

57. the "f" word.

I've never....

been the tallest girl. I've never been the most sought after girl. I've never been the most beautiful, or gorgeous, or pretty. I've never had the perfect hair, or perfect nails, or perfect skin. I've always been known as the fat, dumpy one, trailing along behind her family.

Every time we'd go around visiting relatives, everyone would say that my brother was so fair, and I was so dark. That I was "makin sihat" (Malay for healthy - insinutating fat). Even my friends made fun of me, called me a penguin. I was born with inverted legs, my legs will never be straight. It's gonna be as crooked as scoliosis. I waddled and walked.

One day when I was 17, it hit me real bad, I started to panic.

God, why wasn't I born skinny? I'd cry and wept as I prayed to him. My mom's words cut into my heart, jagged and sharp, as she screamed at me and poked me and said, "gemoklah, pergi jog" (Malay for you're too fat, go and jog). I felt right there and then as if she had just branded my forehead with the word FAT. 

Two weeks before my prom, I panicked. I couldn't find anything to wear. We went to this costume rental shop, the theme was "vintage" or some shit like that. In the picture, the model looked like Audrey Hepburn. When I tried it on I felt more like a sausage roll clown parading around in an ugly wig. I couldn't even zip the back of the dress. I was only 17. 

Insecurities, like vines on a window, crept up to me. I was prickled with fear. I went to bed, my pillows drenched from the tears that poured from my eyes. I pinched my own stomach, pulled at the layer of fat, and cried at how fat I was. Fat. I grabbed it ferociously, trying to tear my own fat away from my body, only to cry some more because it hurt, and cried at how pathetic it all was, how pathetic the whole situation was. That I was going to die a virgin spinster, alone, fat fat fat. 

I did the inevitable thing.

I took the easy way out.

My trembling fingers found their way to the back of my throat, and I purged. I purged all the food I ate, cried again because I felt so fat. I felt confused. I thought I was born this way. But people were telling me I'm not supposed to be this way.

I began to go jogging. I jogged everyday, rain, shine, drizzle, an hour and a half, determined to burn those bloody fat away. I wish I could tell you that suddenly, I was starting to resemble a beanpole. Alas, it did not. My calves harden, my legs grew skinnier, but my boobs and arms remained the same. I changed what I ate, my boobs still remained. I ate, purged, jogged, did sit ups as I watched Alias. But my boobs still stayed the same.The boobs. My ex even named them, Pamela, and Anderson. He told me that it was his favorite thing about me, that my boobs were big.

I was so uncomfortable with my body.

Because I had thin legs but I had big boobs and arms. I felt it was too skanky for me to wear anything short. Other girls pulled it off effortlessly, if I wore it, with my giant boobs, I would redden when guys leered at me. Or did that ugly screeching sound where they pursed their lips and made wet raspberries. Guys would lick their fingers in front of me, or grabbed their crotch. I felt so weirded out. I was ashamed of my own body. I was ashamed of myself.

At the age of 23, when I returned from my 6-month-internship stint in London, I entered the workforce immediately. Exercise had long gone dissipated into the wind when I left for Europe. Returning back to my hometown, I ate with such vigor and enthusiasm. Satay? Yes, please. Meehoon goreng? Bring it onnn. Fried chicken? Do you even need to ask? I ate like there was no tomorrow.

Then, at that time, a friend invited me to go to the gym with her.

She told me it'd be nice to be healthier for my then-boyfriend. I agreed. I signed up for one year, and man, I worked my ass off there. Stairmaster, rpm, cardio, weights, you name it, I did it. A pompous peacock prick of an instructor told me, "you ni dah cantik, tapi you lagi cantik kalau you kurus. Train dengan I la!" Whatever. I did the bodytones. My body was changing. My boobs still remained.

I found out later that my ex had been cheating behind my back with this so called friend.
Yep, the one who invited me to the gym.

They had an affair to remember. What a fool I was! Of course he would cheat on me! Who the fuck wouldn't? She had a hot body, he had mentioned once that if he was ever to do a threesome it would be with me and her. Haha, what a guy, huh?

I found out this girl later on bitched about me and made fun of me. Of my hair. My skin. Of my body. To my best friends. While she was going out with my ex. For a while, that really killed my already-almost-zero-self-esteem. I moped around. I blamed the world. My mom. My dad. My inferior gene pool. I stopped gymming. I drank a lot. 

But then I realized, to hell with the world! It's about me! 

I dumped that ex. I changed jobs, picked up my jogging regime, did weights at home, completed tried to do Beach Body Insanity Workout. I changed what I ate, stopped drinking coffee so much. Started buying the right bra. Bought new shoes. Bought clothes that I thought accentuated my curves instead of hiding them. 

It changed my outlook on life.

For once, my happiness wasn't dependent on men. I radiated from the happiness I gained from looking good. It sounds weird, but it felt good to look good. To hell with the wolfwhistles. It made me feel even better. I started going out with guys, not because they wanted to get into my pants, but because they thought my smile was the sexiest thing ever. One of the guys said that "babe, your confidence is so sexy". But it all sizzled out, of course.

And now, I'm with someone who makes me feel so beautiful. That when I'm in the room, I'm the most beautiful person he sees (I know it sounds vain, but yes, it really feels like that). But that's a plus. He tells me all the time that I'm sexy, and I feel it too.

The world's no longer a bitter shade of black for me. It's not gloomy anymore. I used to hide behind frumpy clothes but now I wear what clings to my skin. Sometimes I look in the mirror and say to myself, "you look beautiful today". It makes you glow with confidence. That glow is the one that actually makes you more beautiful. A stranger looks at you and says, "wow, this girl is smiling, her smile is so sexy". Ask anyone, whether you're more attractive with a smile or a frown on your first. They will always say the former!

You have to realize that you don't have to be tall, or short, or skinny, or fat, to feel sexy. You just have to feel good about yourself. Because that is what makes you sexy. 

It took a long time for me to be at ease with myself. I'm still short. I'm still frumpy. I'll never have perfect hair. Or spotless skin. I'll always have the right front teeth longer than the left. My legs will never straighten. I have scars on my legs. But I'm okay with that. And so should you.

This post is dedicated to every girl out there, who have not felt comfortable in their skin at one point in their life, or hated the sight of themselves in the mirror.

Hehe okay yeah I stopped gymming for a while but I'm picking it back up now and I'm gonna try to reduce my carb intake, I swear :0

53. The way I feel inside

It's weird that I feel the way I do. I never know it could feel like this. That the gulf of love and passion is so vast and endless. It's like I'm on an emotional high. A constant high. The giddiness I feel inside when he looks at me.

The butterflies and knots in my stomach, trails a euphoric feeling across my head, lifting my soul into this feeling of love. I love the warmth of his fingers as he traces it on the back of my hand, or intertwines my fingers in his. When he whispers, 'I love you', it's the sweetest thing I have ever heard, the way his mouth curves into a 'U', sends my head into a spin. It's the best sugar rush I have ever had without the real thing.

When he arches his neck, and laughs his comical laugh, sometimes it sets my spine tingling, and my blood warms with the vibration of his sweet voice. I love the way his hair is so long, that they curve upwards to the sky, at the nape of his neck. And I am in love with his towering height, and how comforted I feel when he leans forward to gently dust my forehead with his sweet kisses.

My soul is set ablaze with his love. I'm burning the hottest furnace of love there ever has been in my heart. It makes me want to be a better person, because I am loved by him, and him; I. Everything they ever wrote about, described, sang, told about, idolized about this concept of "love", I finally understand. Now I know why Nabokov could write the way he did about Lolita. 

49. recycling

Everybody has big dreams. Fancy car, fancy house, fancy wedding, and so forth. This year I was eligible to "contribute" to my country and pay taxes. So I started rounding up all the receipts I had spent this year to organize for tax rebates and reliefs.

I'm not much of a saving person; I'm ashamed to admit I'll spend the money until my account is dry. When I started analyzing why I was barely surviving, the two main reasons why I was hemorrhaging money was because I spent too much on food, and retail therapy. I spent way too much on food. Let's assume:

Breakfast: RM 1.30 (Iced coffee) + RM 3 (whatever fatty food there is =.= ) = RM 4.30
Lunch: RM 6 (mixed rice/noodles/whatever)
Dinner: Usually between RM 10 - RM 20; let's average it to RM 15

So on average, I will spend around RM 25 for food, daily. If you times it by 5, I spend around RM 125 for food on a weekly basis during working days. On weekend, it's even worse. You know, you're out with your friends, you're spending on coffee, pasta, sushi, all the expensive things. 

On average, I spend approx. RM 400 - RM 500 on food/month!

Isn't that insane? I swear, when I move out of my current place (which doesn't have a countertop/gas stove), I'll move somewhere where the prerequisite of any eligible house will be to have a countertop and gas stove. I'll save so much more cooking at home.

I also spend way more on retail shit than I should. I don't even wear half of my wardrobe anymore. I usually wear the things I have bought within the last year or so.

Top: F21

After analyzing my finances, I decided that I needed to conserve and recycle my wardrobe, if I ever wanted to purchase my dream house, or dream car. So far, I've worn the top in the OOTD above thrice; pairing it with leggings, jeans, and a skirt on various occasions.

I also spring-cleaned my wardrobe a while back, and chucked all the clothes I haven't worn/too small/out of fashion into a plastic bag, thinking I would either donate it or sell it off online...

Then I discovered H&M was doing a promotion:-

Isn't that a great idea? For every bag of clothes you bring in, you will receive ONE 15% discount voucher for an apparel? It's not much, but at least you swap in like five pieces of clothes you don't wear, which is collecting dust and mothballs, for a voucher, and you can spend it on a new item? I love it when fashion does something like this. Why are they doing this?

All H&M stores in Malaysia accepts this barter trade system. You can find out more info at http://www.hm.com/my/longlivefashion#path=1.1.2&transition=10&duration=500

So get rid of wardrobe clutter, get a voucher, do your part for the environment, and all while you're doing something you love: shopping! Get it, girls!

46. the free kite

Wearing bishop-sleeved chiffon top (thrifted), and kain batik.

These past few days have been really trying. I lost something that I thought would change my life forever. I guess the Almighty decided that I was not ready for it yet, and saw fit to take it away from me. I almost had it, but it did not materialize yet.

When I lost it, I felt an overwhelming wave of grief; should you shed tears over something you never held, touched, or felt? If I did have it, my life would have been turned completely upside down.  Life would have never been the same. Such was the impact of such a little thing.

But with that sense of loss, I also felt somewhat relieved. That my future will remain the same, that the sails I have set in my life, will continue to steer down the path I intended it to.  With that relief, it lead me to feeling guilt. That I was so relieved at my little lost. The guilt consumed me a little, though I hid it very well. And with that guilt, I would feel the grief overwhelm me again.

With the raw emotions of losing something, I went back to my hometown to pray over my Grandma's grave. And I'm reminded that nothing truly belongs to you, that we are but dust and ash, and everything returns back to where it belong, and that the when is determined by Him.

The kain (skirt) I'm wearing in the picture above belonged to my beloved Grandma (she passed away in May 2006), a small, nostalgic piece that once belonged to her. Maybe He doesn't take away everything, but leaves you with small things, like clothes and memories, for you to remember them by.

*Apologies to my dear readers if I am speaking in riddles or metaphors - what I lost was very important and dear to me - maybe some of you understand, some of you are beyond confused as to what I am trying to say. You can interpret it to however you see fit, maybe you lost something important once :)

36. even the flowers turn to the sun for the light

I never really celebrated Valentine's Day, even with my exes, I supposed. I always thought that every day should be Valentine's Day. Why would you need Hallmark to remind you of how much you should love your partner?

Anyway, this year hit me hard.

It was the first time in eight years that I was a lone ranger for the big V. 

Fuck, I woke up on 14th February, with my social media accounts mentioning "Valentine's" in almost every other post, whether to condemn it or to celebrate it. Whatever. I never thought about it until I was bombarded with all these pictures of "THANK YOU BABY" and "FLOWERS FROM MY BOO" . Or turning on the radio to "and.. you're listening to Valentine dedications for your lovers" fu#^&%$#!!

So then, when a guy asked me out on this supposedly speciaaaal day of Valentine's Day, I jumped at it.

I had a date planned. With someone. 

I wasn't gonna be on #teamforeveralone!

But... the plan kind of tanked in the end because the guy was another douche just wanting to use Valentine's as an excuse to get into your pants. Hardeeha. To exploit the commercialism of Valentine's to "get some". So I cancelled it. I was alone. For Valentine's. Watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

And then... an old friend called up and hearing the frustration in my voice, insisted on taking me for a walk. To Bukit Bintang.

It was really nice to walk and have a cup of hot coffee and talk about life itself. Nothing about getting laid, nothing about sex, nothing about fucked up relationships. Just about our past aspirations and future goals. Thank you, you know who you are :) Who cares about it so much? Meh. Stop ruffling my own feathers :) 

35. hard work = rezeki

My face here to clog up this block space beforehand yay :D

There was a few bureaucratic snags I hit with my previous projects, so I might be waving goodbye to them for a while or permanently. It is sad to see that something I've worked so hard for hitting a big, rock, obstacle. To borrow a quote from the fierce, Swedish ice queen that is of Ingrid Magnussen (from Janet Filch's White Oleander):

"They assigned me to office work. I told them I'd rather clean toilets than type their bureaucratic vomit."

My projects grew beforehand, exponentially, but not in the way the powers that be deemed fit as "measurable success". How do you measure success anyway? There are some unquantifiable metrics such as loyalty. When you start out a pilot project, of course there'll be lots of obstacles. The thing about starting a new business is that you're walking in the dark, blindly groping your way through the vast black path ahead of you. The only way to get ahead is to soldier on, in the hopes that the path you walk is the correct one. There was so many destinations you could end up to, but you hope that with a bit of brains you'll end up at the right one.

I've digressed. Even though the previous projects tanked, I've learned a lot from it all. How to start something from scratch, with no backings and supports from certain levels, and how perseverance, passion and patience amounts to success. 

I'll be taking on a new project now, which will take approximately one year to develop properly. With a few partners, inshAllah, it will pan out. It's something exciting, which will squeeze all of my mental powers, previous experiences, and creative juices, and this time, we won't be relying on backings and supports. All I need is the support of family and friends, and my faith that the groping in the dark will equal to something successful.

Maybe in a years' time, I can say, Masha Allah, we did it! By the grace of God and patience, with the innocent intention to find rezeki, we might have an abundance of it :)

32. the ideal, mythical man.

Many people go through such a hard, challenging phase trying to find the ideal partner of their life. Some of them meet waves and battalions of guys, hell-bent on giving a "good impression" by dressing up to the nines and wearing layers and layers of make-up.

Mr Who?

Others go on "speed-dating" efforts, online social media such as badoo and whatnots, by posting the hottest pictures of themselves to lure potential partners with just images of themselves splashed everywhere. 

"Like" my status? Do you "digg" it?

Wanna Google Myspace and other lame terms here?

According to the Department of Statistics Malaysia, the ratio of men to women is 106:100. Hard to imagine that there are more guys than women here in our sunny, tropical country, and that women have more choices and options, but the fact remains is:

Just how many % of those guys are actually your type or taste? 

Since playing the single game, I've yet to meet or encounter a guy that I'm truly impressed with. I'm not bashing any guys here, but it's alarming that there are no guys that fit the criteria I'm searching for:

1. Loyalty;
2. "Macho-ness"; and
3. Similar personality

Loyalty in the sense that he is monogamous and practices fidelity. You wouldn't believe the amount of guys who lie through their teeth stating "hey babe, I'm single" but turns out, they're not. They have a girlfriend and they were looking for another cookie jar. Hells to the no. I'm not into those kind of "you cheat, I'll help you cheat" thing. Keep your hands and pants to yourself, please. If you cheat on your girlfriend to be with me, what makes you think you're good enough to stay faithful to me.

I wanna be faithful but I can't keep my hands out of the cookie jar.

"Macho-ness" refers to a certain masculine trait that I like in my guys. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for loving terms of endearments, but when I've just known you for a month plus, and you start calling me manja (affectionate), chomel (cute), and other mushy shit, that's when I know you have an Oedipus complex. It's such a major turn-off. There are other terms of endearments, such as baby, or b, which sounds way nicer. 

I'm pretty sure you won't hear the word "chomel" sputtering from such a macho dude.

Similar personality is very important to me. I like humor; therefore, I like a guy who entertains me and makes me laugh. I'm interesting in adventure; so the guy I want to date must like travelling and is all for a crazy, impromptu plan to suddenly drive to Ipoh for chicken rice, or travelling and sightseeing the beauty of Asia. 

I'm sure single people are trying to find their significant other; but the lack of guys with all three qualities just makes me think that such a guy must be mythical. I'm not looking for Mr. Right, I'm just looking for Mr. Single, Macho-ness, and Similar Personality :D Must be super rare. 

Rare and extinct, the mythical 

Pst: Apologies to any male readers if I have offended any of you. Don't tell me you look at a girl and say "ohhh she must have a nice pair of personality" or "check out that rack of kindness on her" =_____=

27. what do you believe in?

Last weekend I took an impromptu trip to Ipoh, Perak with my close friend, Sarah & Sha Roose. My little brother tagged along too, amidst copping me for RM 20 to purchase Kinder Bueno chocolates, sandwiches, and Twisties, grr.

After a slow and steady 2 hours drive to Ipoh from Kuala Lumpur (most of time which I dozed off at the back and woke up just in time to see "Welcome to Ipoh" signs), we finally arrived and proceeded to look for FOOOOOOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD.

Prawns, prawns, and more glorious prawns. We're the prawn freaks. The power of prawn love runs deep into our veins.

 

The gorgeous temples built into the limestone caves we saw in Ipoh.

We were in for barely 5 minutes before the security guard came and shooed us away. Guess the temple closes early on Saturdays :(

I know many people question organized religions, but no matter what beliefs or faiths you have, I think it should be respected. It doesn't matter if you believe in 1, 2, 4, 8 Gods, seven steps to heaven, reincarnation, or karma; your beliefs are your blankets in life that guides you on your everyday behavior and attitude. Everybody has their own believes that they are entitled to. Even atheists believe in the non-existence of God. I am equally in awe of entering a Buddhist temple, as would I be entering a mosque or any other place of worship. These are people's dedication to their beliefs into building every foundation, rock, and statues for all these places.

But then there are those who take to their own misinterpretation of the religion, either through forms of bigotry or overzealousness. Those are the kind of people who give their own brand of organized religions a bad name. Not all Christian priests sodomizes little boys in churches. Similarly, how not all Muslims practice the killing of innocent women and children in the name of God. Not all Jews are responsible for the murders of Palestinians. 

In the end, it doesn't boil down to organized religions, it just boils down to what you perceive the meaning of life is. For me, life is too fleeting to be "all there is". There's the question of "is this it?" I do believe in the afterlife, that we will somehow live in a place far more remarkable and magnificent than the beauties of the world, henceforth dubbed "syurga" or "heaven" by many. I believe that our actions on earth will be judged by Him on the day of judgment.

I believe in Qada and Qadar, which is the concept of divine destiny by God. That is to say, everything in our lives have been predetermined by God before we were born. God alone knows when we were meant to born, who are our life partner(s) will be, and when our date of death will be. But it is up to us to determine how we live our life. Here's an excerpt from Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons"-

Omnipotent-benevolent simply means that God is all-powerful and well-meaning.' 

'I understand the concept. It's just . . . there seems to be a contradiction.'

'Yes. The contradiction is pain. Man's starvation, war, sickness . . .'

'Exactly!' Chartrand knew the camerlengo would understand. 'Terrible things happen in this world. Human tragedy seems like proof that God could not possibly be both all-powerful and well-meaning. If He loves us and has the power to change our situation, He would prevent our pain, wouldn't He?'

The camerlengo frowned. 'Would He?' 

Chartrand felt uneasy. Had he overstepped his bounds? Was this one of those religious questions you just didn't ask? 'Well . . . if God loves us, and He can protect us, He would have to. It seems He is either omnipotent and uncaring, or benevolent and powerless to help.' 

'Do you have children, Lieutenant?' 

Chartrand flushed. 'No, signore.'

'Imagine you had an eight-year-old son . . . would you love him?' 

'Of course.' 

'Would you let him skateboard?' 

Chartrand did a double take. The camerlengo always seemed oddly "in touch" for a clergyman. 'Yeah, I guess,' Chartrand said. 'Sure, I'd let him skateboard, but I'd tell him to be careful.' 

'So as this child's father knee, you would give him some basic, good advice and then let him go off and make his own mistakes?'

'I wouldn't run behind him and mollycoddle him if that's what you mean.' 

'But what if he fell and skinned his?' 

'He would learn to be more careful.' 

The camerlengo smiled. 'So although you have the power to interfere and prevent your child's pain, you would choose to show your love by letting him learn his own lessons?' 

'Of course. Pain is part of growing up. It's how we learn.' 

The camerlengo nodded. 'Exactly.” 

We have the destination, but we control our fates our our journey. But we should respect all who chooses to make their journeys in their own ways. In the end, we all end up as dusts and bones, and what we leave behind are the changes we make in our own world.

18. a little change of air never hurt anyone.

For the first time in almost a year of working, I applied leave for almost a week *gasps*. Work is fun, but it was time for me to reconnect with my family, and finish off those to-do-lists after procrastinating for so long. The perfect opportunity came when my mom told me that my brother and sis-in-law, along with their 6 month old son, would be doing an aqiqah-cum-cukur-jambul ceremony in my sis-in-law's hometown at Palembang, Indonesia. I was lucky my leave was approved, as I would be leaving during a very hectic and time hurrahh!

I haven't been on an aircraft for a year (the last was Langkawi in September 2011... eww bad memories) and for my journey, I hoped to seek some inner peace, tranquility, serenity boring blahness.

When I was on the plane, there was a few seconds of turbulence where the plane kind of swooped down for a few seconds, and in that few seconds, a face immediately came to my mind. I don't know if I'll see that face again but that person means a lot to me. If it's up to Him above, God willing, it will happen. Or not, haha!

The beauty of the world from high above was breathtaking. It reminded me that we are all just tiny pieces in the scheme of the universe. That the only constant in our lives are change and our period of mortality, coming to a stop sooner or later. It's up to us to roll the dices of happiness in our hands. Though, we are all mere mortals and our temper, jealousy, and impatience are our shortcomings that will eventually lead us to our inevitable self-creation of unhappiness. 

So try to chip away those negativity, and live life with no regrets. If today was your last, what would you have done differently? Slept less? Say "I love you" to the one who matters? Eat whatever? Pray on your knees, forever? Everybody has their own keys to unlock being happy :)

11. the key to happiness

WHAT IS THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS?

answer:

letting go of everything.

most of the times, people ask me, "how do you get over a 6 year relationship?"

i am not someone who can just automatically turn off my feelings. most of the friends who listen to me bitch and moan will be irritated after i repeated what happened between me and ex. so i kept the feelings to myself, kept it raging.

honestly, a month plus ago my heart was like a furnace set on fire. my rage was the fuel that kept it burning. i was so bitter, so full of hate, and blamed every guy for being so weak. every time i listened to love songs, i would cry. you know, that feeling that you have in your heart where it feels like someone's wringing it dry. adele's songs would hit me so hard.

i had to go through a lot of songs before i found a song that gave me such clarity. in a second of listening to this song, i felt that i was over him. that i finally wanted to let go of all these emotions inside.

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say goodbye to you
goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love, the one thing that I tried to hold on to

that's right. michelle branch's "goodbye to you". it took me a while to get to where i am today. and i am so blessed, so lucky, to have the support of friends and family who have been there. who have counselling me, giving me words, like "chicken soup for the soul". they kept me busy.

there are things you can do just by yourself with a crowd:

i started to go to back to gym.

make friends with your local bartender.

go shisha. watch movies. read books in my spare time.

immerse myself in work.

there are things you can do with your friends:

i started to go out with other guys

i go out drinking and clubbing in the company of good people.

meet random people in the bar and clubs.

dance with random guys and talk to them.

let them buy you drinks and flowers and write their number on paper money LOL.

*some of them are dickheads but you can't blame one or two rotten apple on the whole orchard

promise guys that you'll meet them in a certain bar but don't show up.

basically, keep myself busy.

this week alone, well... on:

• sunday night i went to the local bar (and the bartender is a good friend of mine).
• monday night i met an old friend.
• tuesday night i met a mutual friend.
• wednesday night i went clubbing. i stumbled back home at 5 am.
• thursday night (last night) i went to the local bar with a bunch of friends and then shisha-ed afterwards and ate burgers until 3 plus in the morning. tonight (friday) i'm heading down to seremban for a chilled-out holiday with a bunch of close friends.

part of work: attending a press conference filled to the brim with gorgeous malaysian celebs!

DO NOT GO HOME STRAIGHT AFTER WORK.

you cannot go home alone. because when you're at home, doing nothing, your brain/heart/mind/whatever will start to relive the past.

and the most awesome thing is, i don't have to ask for company.

most of the time i'll get a random call/text/whatsapp and it'll be like heyyyy, are you free? hell yes! let's meet up K OKOKOKOK LOLOLOLOL. the stupid silly convos you have.

and that's when i started listening to other songs. songs that will make you happy. seriously, hold on to the following list of songs because it will put a smile on your face. help you get back on your feet. to remind you that life is short and you need to just have a ball and roll with it.

playlist to listen to for you know just how amazing you are:

• alicia keys - superwomen
• bobby mcferrin - don't worry, be happy
• florence & the machines - dog days are over
• johnny nash - i can see clearly now
• rihanna - take a bow
• queen - don't stop me now
• U2 - beautiful day

these are just some of the amazing songs available in the world written for you, to start living your life. and FOR FUCK'S SAKE please do not listen to sappy, bawl-your-eyes-out music. go out with your friends and have a fucking good time. go bowling. go dance.

i came back home 6.30 am one day and had to leave for work at 8.30 am the same day.

was it tiring?

sure.

but it's those kind of days you keep to yourself.

and laugh at how stupid you were to go when you're working the next day.

but then you smile at how fun it all was.

AND. it. just. feels. bloody. good. to let go of all the pain. all the hurt. i'll keep the good memories to remember him by, but eventually even those memories will fade, and be replaced by new ones made by maybe someone special.

and now, life has been really amazing to me.

i have never smiled this much.

i have never felt so happy.

i have never felt so content.

a dear friend told me, "i'm so glad that you're happy. you look so beautiful when you smile." so maybe i should smile all the time now, eh? i kid, i kid. but when you're happy, you'll just bubble up with a glow of happiness.

and yes, life is good. i'm feeling life. this is the way life was meant to be. hope anyone who reads this feels the same way about their own life too.

9. twentytwelve

2012, i welcome you with open arms.

in 2011, i endured the agony of a broken heart. of someone who cheated on me. the worst thing was he cheated on me with a friend i knew. the pain was almost too much to bear. i was with this guy, i gave him my heart and soul, for almost 6 years.

at that time, i was transitioning into a new job. it was a lot to take in. thankfully, my new job kept my occupied without thoughts of him.

the heart is a fragile thing, almost paper thin. when i discovered the truth, yes i cried. for hours. wondering all the what-ifs. was it my fault? i blamed myself for so long. i destroyed my own self, drinking, smoking, going out with all the douchebags of the world.

then i realised only you can make yourself free. only you, only have the power to be the phoenix that rises free from the ashes. i will be happy. i will be free.

and so, for 2012, i have vowed to:-

• be fitter and toned. bootcamps and futsal!
• save up money and travel to at least 3 different countries
• start learning how to invest my money
• redecorate my room
• will not be afraid in relationships
• to try and blog at least once a week

all these goals are achievable so hopefully at the end of this year I will be crossing them all out. hopefully you guys made some resolutions that you will be sticking to throughout 2012!

1. the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning.

my name is junee.

this blog was created to share with my friends and strangers alike on the mundane details of my life, some of them captured in a millisecond of a camera's shutter click, some random quotes and images that i admire and inspires my life, and also as a fresh start for me foraying into the "real life" as a fresh graduate of advertising studies, and developing my relationship with life and work. you will read about me lamenting about late nights, view endless photos of those i love, and be exposed to fragments of the world that i live and breathe in.

i LOVE coffee, travelling, and taking photographs. hopefully, by 2020, i can journey onto a eurotrip with my girlfriends for 2 months and trample europe's overexposed tourist destinations. berlin, vienna, rome, venice, paris, i'll see you in 9 years.

i currently live in malaysia. it is a beautiful country, with a rich culture and variety of food. i love living here, but there is so much more of the world to see. if you are from malaysia, apa khabar? and if you are not, just drop me a line anyway :) i ❤ meeting new people. get to know me, i will send you a postcard across the sea.

so yea, my name is junee, welcome to the page of my life ;)

humility.

3 years ago, i did a few things that gradually caused me to loose my closest friends. at that time, i was stupid and blind, concluding simply on what i heard and not listening to my closest friend, who i should have turned to and confronted. looking back, i wish i could shake that person whose ego was sky-high, and tell her what a mistake she has made and what a stupid, reckless person she is. in that situation, where i thought i was wrong, i was angry for only a few weeks but my pride and ego got in the way; i refused to talk to my friends.

3 years later on i had finally apologized and said sorry. i have really missed them all. especially my best friend. i do not know how it is going to go but hope that they believe and accept my sincere apology; and since we can't start anew, i want to believe the past is the past. i was a different person back then. "forgive but not forget", she said. and i understand this; although it is in the past, the raw pains and scars are still there.