46. the free kite

Wearing bishop-sleeved chiffon top (thrifted), and kain batik.

These past few days have been really trying. I lost something that I thought would change my life forever. I guess the Almighty decided that I was not ready for it yet, and saw fit to take it away from me. I almost had it, but it did not materialize yet.

When I lost it, I felt an overwhelming wave of grief; should you shed tears over something you never held, touched, or felt? If I did have it, my life would have been turned completely upside down.  Life would have never been the same. Such was the impact of such a little thing.

But with that sense of loss, I also felt somewhat relieved. That my future will remain the same, that the sails I have set in my life, will continue to steer down the path I intended it to.  With that relief, it lead me to feeling guilt. That I was so relieved at my little lost. The guilt consumed me a little, though I hid it very well. And with that guilt, I would feel the grief overwhelm me again.

With the raw emotions of losing something, I went back to my hometown to pray over my Grandma's grave. And I'm reminded that nothing truly belongs to you, that we are but dust and ash, and everything returns back to where it belong, and that the when is determined by Him.

The kain (skirt) I'm wearing in the picture above belonged to my beloved Grandma (she passed away in May 2006), a small, nostalgic piece that once belonged to her. Maybe He doesn't take away everything, but leaves you with small things, like clothes and memories, for you to remember them by.

*Apologies to my dear readers if I am speaking in riddles or metaphors - what I lost was very important and dear to me - maybe some of you understand, some of you are beyond confused as to what I am trying to say. You can interpret it to however you see fit, maybe you lost something important once :)

45. never thought that love could feel like this.

In all of creation all things great and small

You are the one that surpasses them all

More precious than any diamond or pearl

They broke the mold when you came in this world

- nsync's god must have spent a little more time on you

44. and all you wanted was somebody who cares.

i'm not fucking Kafka or Keats so there's no bloody beat to this.

* * * * * *

you had your fucking choice.

you could have fought for me.

you didn't. you had one year.

one fucking year.

and you didn't. 

we agreed to stay friends.

6 years after being your best friend, your girlfriend;

we gave it all up cos you decided you wanted to taste other cookies out there.

and we agreed to stay friends.

i could have taken the easy way out.

i could have never talked to you again.

i could have forsaken all those 6 years...

friendship investment is not in the sense of cash dollar value. 

to me, it's how long we stood by each other.

i chose to remember the good over the bad.

that's why i chose to stay as friends.

and in those six years, i watched you rise, like a phoenix from the ashes.

i was with you, through the poor, the bad and the worse.

your new friends think i'm using you for wealth.

your new friends don't even know shit.

remember those six years. just remember.

and now you want to get mad at me cos the guy who stole my heart was someone you knew.

when you were the one who gave it away.

43. pitter patter

I was out shopping the other day with my mom and younger brother...

Top: Forever 21

White clutch: River Island

And me and my mom ended up at the shoe section for more than an hour. Oh gosh.

 

 

Loving the leopard-printed taselled loafers, the bejewelled heels, and the cat flats. Meow.

Somewhere along the line, a little cretin fell asleep. Pfft. I don't get why little boys don't enjoy the thrills and perks of shopping.

 

I love the white flats in the picture oh goshh.

And then... I saw the most cutest, gorgeous little pair of shoes:

Alahaiiii so comel hehehe.
Must be something to do with the fact that I went to see Thara's gorgeous baby, Adeena Nur, the next day.

42. bridesmaid

One of my girls, Sue, is engaged, and her wedding will be in Ipoh and Penang on respective weekends in June, and I was honored when she asked me to be a bridesmaid, yay!

As is customary for Malay weddings, the bride-to-be usually gives fabrics to her bridesmaid, which the bridesmaid will tailor to her own liking, based on Malaysia's traditional costume of baju kurung, to wear during the wedding for the brides' side. She gave me two gorgeous fabrics; one is purple, the other is purple with zebra stripes. 

Some of my inspirations are the following (I love Mimpikita, it's like saccharine-sweet):-

I love the cutting on the far right. The hourglass shape is perfect. Peplum cuts is also good for my figure, but most of the girls are already planning for peplum-type dresses so I want to stand out a little.

I also love the cutting on the far right. The beige + mint green is too gorgeous. 

I love this cut Juliana Evans wore. The pastel colors are so sweet on her, along with the sequinned sleeves. But I have a feeling the pleated neckline won't flatter me cause I have booooobs.

Can't wait to see the final piece hehe :)

41. burning the past

I was going to collate all my old blog posts into this...
But then I realized the weight of some of the blog posts with the pictures.

Pictures really do paint a thousand words.

It feels like another lifetime when I read the old entries from 2005.
Because now I have a new life.

40. little things.

when you wanted to drop me off at the front of the restaurant and not let me walk.

when you held me hand and told me that it's okay, you're gonna take care of me.

when you pushed away all the smoke away from me cause you know i've quit.

when you looked deep into my eyes and told me i was beautiful, and i felt it.

when you held my hand in yours, and caressed your chin with it.

when you hugged me so tight.

when you used "us", instead of "me".

when you whispered that i make you happy.

when you said, 'i love you'.

when you asked me, 'will you marry me?'. 

and i said, 'yes'.