69. On to the next one.

The journey of life has been a crazy journey from the beginning until the present. What a tumultuous journey, an upside-down rollercoaster ride, that flips you full throttle, belly deep, pulling you down and up as you steadily make your way to the end.

There is a lot going on in my life now; good things, Alhamdulillah. Praise be to God for all the wonderful things in my life. And now, another blessed thing will happen, and I can't wait. Maybe it's too early to say, so I shall just wait, until I can finally say it.

May Allah bless this journey, make it easy and let me not forget it, or if the road is hard, then help me to endure it with humility, grace, and patience.

68. hey, life.

This was a really nice day, taken when we were leaving Pullman Putrajaya post-teambuilding session.
I wanna make more blog posts like this now.

On a different note, it's the official month for Breath Cancer Awareness and KLCC is bathed in pink lights at night. Need to go there soon!

A gross thing to know is that I always used to find it so adorable whenever Caramel, my cat, licked my hands or face, until I saw her licked my other cat's ass. Now I just swat her away whenever she's about to pounce on my fingers. Yuckkkk.

67. are you comfortable with yourself?

The constant struggle in life has always to do with how you feel about yourself, externally. Growing up, boys were mean. People were stupid. I started growing boobs at the age of 12. When I was 12, I was a small AA cup. By the time I hit 13, I was wearing B cups. The next year, I was wearing C. When I hit 17, I was a D cup. Finally, at the age of 20 plus, they stopped ballooning to a huge size of DD.

I had never felt comfortable with my body. I always felt I was so short, and that my boobs were too big for my frame. I tried jogging, swimming, cardio, every fucking thing they advised you to do. They would say, 'you're lazy, go exercise, your boobs are all fat' and 'the boobs will go once you stop eating so much, fatty'. The result from jogging so much and my boobs not going away gave me a heavy top and skinny bottom. My legs were muscular, my boobs would still feel like inflatable thingies stuck to my chest.

I envied my friends who could buy those fancy bras with the cute thin straps. It was cheap, too. I had to spend money on those ugly, granny-like bras from Wacoal and Marks and Spencer. It was so expensive. Going into Jusco with my mom made it worse. The saleslady with her measuring tape around her neck would come to me and ask, 'Why so big one ah?'. It made me feel like an ugly ogre.

Anytime I wore any top, the front would strain, like a bunch of paper bags stuffed down the front of my shirt. Any buttoned-down shirts would peek open, with my bra peeping through. And then there were those boys, men, hands like vultures, reaching out to you. Guys leering at you, making wet rapsberry noises by pursing their lips together, looking at your chest. No matter what you wore, decent or not, they would still leer. Even friends made crude comments, saying to me 'Ala kan syiok dapat tetek cam you' (it's so nice to have a girlfriend with boobs like yours). An ex even named it Pamela (left boob) and Andersen (right boob).

There's no nice ending to this little musing. Boys, men, whatever - they still leer. I think the important thing is just to embrace it and flaunt it (nicely). As long as I'm healthy, I'm lucky. Skinny girls wish they had boobs. Me, I wished it was smaller. 

66. can cook, will cook.

Lately, I've been going on a health and fitness frenzy, by swimming, and making meals at home. The sad thing is, I don't have a stove yet (since I moved houses). In fact, I only have a rice cooker and microwave. The Asian in me has never been so thankful for the rice cooker. If you don't have a stove, the rice cooker is ideal for cooking rice (uh duh) and other complex carbohydrates like pasta. I have been dying to eat healthier meals so I started by making....

A. Chicken and salad with broccoli

Ingredients:

• Honey, salt, black pepper, garlic and light soy sauce (chicken marinade)
• Salad leaf - iceberg, cherry tomato, baby carrots
• Broccoli

Recipe:

1. Marinade the chicken with the chicken marinade, leave for 5 - 10 minutes
2. Place the chicken in a microwave-safe container
3. Whack the chicken into the microwave for 4 - 8 mins, depending on the size, skin side down
4. Turn it the other way, pour the sauce all over the chicken, and microwave it for another 4 - 8 minutes
5. Leave to chicken to cool while you cut your salad
6. Pour the chicken gravy/sauce all over your salad (you can add olive oil a little if you want to)
7. Place chopped broccoli in microwave-safe container with just a bit of water (like maybe 1 cm of water height) - add a pinch of salt to the water
8. Whack the broccoli in the microwave for 1 minute
9. Serve chicken, broccoli and salad on a plate.

B. Chicken pasta in tomato sauce with side salad

Ingredients:

• Honey, salt, black pepper, garlic and light soy sauce (chicken marinade)
• Salad leaf - add rockets, buttercrunch, cherry tomato, baby carrots and Japanese cucumbers
• Tomato pasta sauce
• Pasta - preferably tube-shaped ones
• Salad dressing - olive oil, mustard, brown sugar, lemon or apple cider vinegar, salt

Recipe:

1. Cook pasta in a rice cooker - make sure to add a little salt in the water, and put a lot of water - might take a while.
2. Cook the chicken following the instructions for the chicken from recipe A - once it's cold, tear apart chicken meat with fingers
3. Heat up tomato pasta sauce - any one, preferably with basil-based (if you can't find a sauce with basil, just buy the normal one and add fresh basil leafs, even better) - in a microwave-safe container for 1 minute and a half.
4. Bung in cherry tomatoes (with just a bit of water) into the microwave for 40 seconds
5. Chop up the salad leafs
6. Make the salad dressing while you're waiting - just bung everything into a bowl and whisk it using a fork
7. Drain the pasta water - add in olive oil and mix it around the drained pasta
8. Add in the heated tomato pasta sauce
9. Add in chicken
10. Add in microwaved cherry tomatoes
11. Stir and mix the food
12. Garnish with chopped rocket leaves
13. Serve salad with dressing on the side

I know people have said that microwaved food is dangerous from the radiation, that nutrients of veges disappear when you microwave it etc etc. In reality, I don't have a stove so I'm hoping to get one this weekend and depend less on the microwave.

As for the lack of nutrients, it all depends on how much water you place in the vegetables when you microwave it, and how long you microwave it for. I don't recommend microwaving vegetables any longer than 1 minute because that's when it becomes all limp and probably depleted from the nutrients.

Anyway, most of the vegetables here are raw and fresh, which is good for you. If you cook a whole chicken, you can keep the balance to make a salad, sandwich, or pasta for your lunch/dinner the next day. The pasta tasted amazing overnight. If you guys have any thoughts about microwaved food, leave it here :)

65. Silly conversations

It's a sign you are meant to be when you have the following conversation:

Him: Omg baby, did you know Vin Diesel plays Dungeons and Dragons?
Me: ...
Him: I have more respect for the man.
Me: ...
Him: Yup, makes him legit.
Me: Ooh speaking of Vin Diesel, I dreamt that The Rock and I met overseas, and we fell in love overnight, and the next morning we were packing our luggage to fly back to Malaysia and Vin Diesel comes and asks which of my friends he can hook up with...
Him: ...

It's just fate, baby.

64. omg okay i'm sorry

The truth is I have been so, so, busy - what with the recent hari raya aidilfitri (eid mubarak) celebrations, me moving houses (to a house that was not lived in for one year, so dusty ohhh), and weddings after weddings after weddings. 

I even received an email from an upset reader stating that she was bored of my instagram updates and wanted my "witty banter and musings". Is it really witty? I did not think so. I used to think I was blogging for myself, but after receiving comments and emails, and the inquisition from my friends, I guess I was blogging for others as well. Thanks for reading, guys :) I *hope* to keep blogging more frequently.

Wish I had more time like these guys... oiiii....

Since there's been too much happening since the last update, I'll just leave you with a juicy detail... that my parents finally met his parents! Let's just keep it at that ;)

63. food review - waroeng iga @ one utama - 12 july 2013

I was gonna catch up with one of my girlfriends, Hawa, at One Utama, for breaking fast. After walking around, I suggested breaking fast at Waroeng Iga, an Indonesian ribs-specialty restaurant that had just opened in One Utama. It had some good reviews from a local Facebook group, so we booked a table at 7 pm.

The restaurant had looked very empty upon our arrival at 7 pm. We placed our orders. Hawa ordered nasi ayam penyet (flattened chicken with white rice), my boyfriend ordered nasi iga bakar cabe ijo (ribs in spicy green chilli sauce with white rice) and I ordered set nasi goreng iga spesial.

They gave us dates to break fast, very considerate of them. But by 7.30 pm with no sight of our food, me and Hawa left for prayers, and came back 15 minutes later, with just white rice on the table. Oh, dear. My boyfriend left for prayers, and at 7.50 pm, only the ayam penyet and iga cili hijau had arrived. I enquired the waiter about it (foreigner), who slapped his head, saying 'ajoooo' and hit his colleague on the arm. I guess my food was forgotten.

Set nasi goreng iga spesial

My boyfriend returned for prayers and my food still did not arrive. My meal finally arrived at 8.20 pm, one hour and 20 minutes after I had placed my order. I was so hungry that I scoffed down my meal. I guess you could say it was very delicious, but I was disappointed that a meal of fried rice came with only two small pieces of fried ribs (as you can see from the picture).  Price was around RM 20.

Iga bakar cabo ijo

The iga bakar cabo ijo was surprisingly delicious. The ribs was tender and spicy, though would have loved it to be more spicy. For the price (RM 18 ish), the portion was surprisingly small.

Ayam penyet

I didn't try the ayam penyet, but the portion was really, really, small. I think this restaurant caters to people who don't eat much...

Pisang coklat susu manis

We then ordered dessert, pisang coklat susu manis, which turned out to be just one banana split into two, sprinkled with condensed milk, chocolate sauce and cheese. Although delicious, the price for such a dessert was appallingly expensive. This was RM 6.90 (if memory serves me correctly).

Verdict:

Despite the delicious dishes, I was put off by this restaurant with the miniscule portion, overpricing of drinks, and especially the long wait. It doesn't portray itself as a high-end eatery, so I was definitely expecting big portions. 

As it is a new restaurant manned by foreign workers, I hope that they will improve this food establishment so they don't have customers fuming. One hour and 20 minutes waiting time for main course and 30 minutes for dessert is not acceptable, with the bill racking up to RM 86 for just the three of us. Expect to fork out between RM 25 - RM 30 per person for a cuisine you can eat cheaper at Warong Penyet (The Curve). I think I would have enjoyed eating at a fast food restaurant such as Chili's better. However, I would go back just for the iga cili hijau. 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Waroeng.Iga 
Cleanliness: 5/5
Ambience: 4/5
Service: 0/5
Price: 3/5
Food: 4/5
Overall: 2/5

62. what is fasting about?

McD for dinner before the first day of fasting haha.

Today marks the first day of ramadan, where millions of Muslims around the world begin their annual ritual of fasting for one month as decreed by God himself. Earlier today, on the way to work, a conversation took place between me and my boyfriend - please read this with an open mind and try not to be offended about it.

We were talking about the hardest challenge when it comes to fasting. My answer? To not drink coffee early in the morning. He was surprised, as he thought I would give a more spiritual, and not physical answer.

Him: What do you think puasa is about?
Me: Hmm I guess it means to refrain yourself from letting anything enter your body from sunset until sunrise.
Him: Okay, what about sex, or masterbation? Do you think it's alright for a guy to do it during puasa?
Me: Of course that's wrong!
Him: Why is it wrong? You're not putting anything in yourself, kan?
Me: Because you're not supposed to. Because that's just weird. You're suppose to fast from that too. From the less innocent things.
Him: Aha, so now you realize it's not just about food, right?

He actually made me realize that this whole month of Ramadan is a chance for me to reflect on myself, my actions and intentions. That this month is not just about not eating, but the thoughts and ideas going on in my head.

I don't pray much, but after sahur (breakfast) I felt the need to pray. There was just an overwhelming need to submit myself to Him. I feel the change inside of me, to become a better Muslim. I hope the month of Ramadan will help guide me, and I hope to pray at all times. And this time, there's no syaitan to blame if I waver from praying. It's all on me.

In Islam, fasting for a month is an obligatory practice during the holy month of Ramadan, from fajr (dawn), until the maghrib (dusk).Muslims are prohibited from eating, drinking (including water), and engaging in sexual activity. They are also encouraged to temper negative emotions such as anger and addiction. Fasting in the month of Ramadan is one of the Pillars of Islam, and thus one of the most important acts of Islamic worship. By fasting, whether during Ramadan or other times, a Muslim draws closer to God by abandoning bodily pleasures, such as food and drink. This makes the sincerity of their faith and their devotion to God (Arabic: Allah) all the more evident.

Muslims believe that fasting is more than abstaining from food and drink.  During the sacred month of Ramadan, believers strive to purify body and soul and increase their taqwa (good deeds and God-consciousness). This purification of body and soul harmonizes the inner and outer spheres of an individual.

Happy fasting to all during this holy and blessed month!

61. what's stopping you?

And it's true. How?

Just bottle up all that anxiety, stress, anger, disappointment, and negativity into an imaginary bottle. 

Just put your arms in front of you, shoulders apart.

Imagine that you're gathering all of those torrential feelings into a bottle.

Push your arms closer together as if you're trying to compress all of this vibe into a compact bottle.

Compress it until it becomes a ball of nothingness.

Toss the abstract bottle over your shoulder.
Shrug it off and move on with your life.

60. penang (part I) - kek lok si temple

So when we went for Sue's wedding, me and him managed to squeeze in some time for "touristy" sightseeings. We drove out of the way to Penang Hill to ride the funicular train, but it was closed for maintenance.

Lucky for us, the next stop was Kek Lok Si Temple, which was just a five minutes drive away from the train. After much confusion, we ended up to a cluster of colorful temples amidst the hills of Penang. I'll show why you need to make a pit stop at this beautiful temple.

Part of the view. The right building is actually a pagoda.

Compulsory portrait shot hehehe. 

If you're a tortoise lover you need to stop by here and look at the hoard of red eared sliders in one of the many ponds tucked away. This was just like a dot in the ocean, there was tortoise as long as a metre just chilling at the bottom of the pond.

Paid RM 5 per person to take this inclined elevator to see the huge bronze statue.

The huge bronze statue awaiting you at the top of the hill. It was a sight to behold. According to the reliable sources at Wikipedia:-

In 2002, a 30.2m bronze statue of the Kuan Yin was completed and opened to public. It replaced the previous white plaster Kuan Yin statue which was damaged due to a fire a few years earlier. The bronze statue is located on the hillside above the pagoda while the head of the previous statue which survived the fire is preserved and placed on the right hand corner of the new statue. 

Kuan Yin is the Goddess of Mercy, which can also be regarded as Avalokitheshvara, Bodhisattva of Universal Compassion.

One of the gazebos on a huge pond. Thanks to two French tourists who helped take this picture. Hope your visit to Malaysia was beautiful and amazing :)

Respect any house of worship. Be aware of any signs telling you to do certain thing(s). 

The intricate designs and patterns inside the temple.

Flower offerings for prayer purposes.

You purchase these wishing ribbons, each with it's own wishes, such as health, prosperity, etc, and tie it to a big tree around the courtyard.

The trees affixed with wishing ribbons from past visitors.

I'm not really sure the purpose of these jars. I think there's candles in it that visitors light up?

Incense stick offerings to Buddha.

Another magnificent view of Penang, not to be missed.

In front of the pagoda. We climbed 7 flights of steps to reach the top of the pagoda!

The view awaiting us once we got to the top of the pagoda. Yeah alright, it was worth swearing, sweating, and maneuvering over steps big enough to fit feet less than 5 inches long to have this beautiful, windy view.

With him :)

The Kek Lok Si Temple (simplified Chinese: 极乐寺; traditional Chinese: 極樂寺; Pe̍h-ōe-jī: Ki̍k-lo̍k-sī; Penang Hokkien for "Temple of Supreme Bliss" or "Temple of Sukhavati") is a Buddhist temple situated in Air Itam in Penang and is one of the best known temples on the island. It is the largest Buddhist temple in Southeast Asia^{[citation needed]}. The temple is heavily commercialised with shops at every level and inside the main temple complexes.

There was so many nooks and crannies to be explored, along with the beautiful views of Penang on top of the hill. It's definitely worth a stop, especially if you're someone who respects religion, and appreciate the beauty of the architecture.

59. godspeed

It only seemed like it was yesterday that I was writing about the raw grief I felt at losing a grandfather. A few days ago, I went through the emotional wave I did earlier last year, as my other grandfather was called home to his final resting place by Him on Tuesday night, 25th June, at 11.40 p.m. 

My mom called me at half past midnight, and I remember the exact words she said:

"Junee, don't be shocked. But your grandfather has passed away. Come back to kampung."

Kampung refers to hometown. My hometown was an hour and a half away. My father and brother had made the journey earlier, and I knew I couldn't make the journey alone, so late, so I called him and asked for his company. He told me there was no sense in leaving now, as my car was in bad shape, and overdue for service. For safety reasons, we should leave in a couple of hours, by subuh.

I felt helpless. I called everybody I knew, who could borrow me a car if they could. Alas, nobody could lend me one. Those few hours to wait until subuh was the worst. I paced the house, I couldn't sleep, I did laundry, I talked to my cats. I was so restless. Finally dawn came, and I left home to pick him up.

The journey back to my kampung seemed like forever. We couldn't drive fast because we were afraid of pushing the car to the extreme, and something would happen. Somewhere along the drive, I finally fell asleep.

When we finally reached my aunty's house, where my grandfather's body was laid temporarily for prayers, I stopped myself for a second. I couldn't look at his body. I went around, saying hello to my parents, kissed my mom's hands. Salam-ed my aunties and uncles. 

Then I saw him. I took my wudhu and took the prayer books placed next to him. Read the yasin for the first time in a few months. I humbly submit myself to God and His will to take my grandfather. Who was I, a lowly servant to question His doing? I was to accept that my grandfather, aged 80, who was supposed to celebrate his 81st birthday this Sunday, had left and departed into alam barzakh. 

I lifted the thin cotton cloth covering his face and kissed his forehead. Oh, how cold they were! It further reminded me that there was no vestiges of life left in this body. I carry his blood and flesh in my body. My legacy would be his. 

Once there was a huge gathering, we had a big recitation of prayers. Prayers to make it easier for my arwah tok to make his way to the next world. Next was the washing and shrouding of his body in kafan (where the body is wrapped in clean, white cloth). 

Right before the solat jenazah, my grandfather's childrens, grandchildrens and greatgrandchildrens - his generation- gathered around him, to make a personal goodbye. We were handed a bowl of spices to dust his kafan in. My youngest brother cried, and I cried in turn. He had not known my grandfather as long as I had, does he even know who his grandfather was? Why my grandfather collected all those encyclopedias?  What my grandfather did before he was married to my arwah grandmother?

 It turns out I would be the one telling my baby brother all these things about my grandfather, and not my grandfather himself. It is true that in Islam, you're not encourage to wail or cry excessively at a funeral, as this would be seen as opposing God's will, so we willed ourselves to cry silently.

When the Prophet Muhammad's own son died, he said: "The eyes shed tears and the heart is grieved, but we will not say anything except which pleases our Lord."

Then there was solat jenazah (prayers for the dead). The final step was the burial procession. This, was always the hardest step for me, because you finally acknowledge that your loved one is gone. My grandfather would hopefully be at peace. When you scatter the flowers and pour water over his grave, that's when you know for certain that He has reclaimed your loved ones. But I hope my grandfather is at peace. 

Loss and grief is part of the test. When a person encounters loss or grief, it actually a test, which Allah is putting us through. Allah says, " Be sure, We shall test you through fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil) but glad tidings to those who patiently persevere." - [Surah Baqarah, Chapter 2, Verse 155]

58. cheap thrills

And we'll never be royals,
It don't run in our blood,
That kind of lux just ain't for us,
We crave a different kind of buzz
- Lorde; Royals

I've been on all types of dates, from the worst, to the best type, on the dating spectrum. One of the best ones was a restaurant I went to in KL, it was one of those exclusive types on the top floor in KL, where you needed to reserve a few weeks in advanced, you could see the majestic skyline of KL, the waiter serving you donned a white cloth on his left arm, and the dress code didn't accept anything less than heels and dresses for girls. My date for the night wore a crisp shirt, I thought he looked so handsome.

But there was an interior motive to this glitz and glam.

He turned out to be an asshole who wanted a shag on the first date.

Needless to say, I didn't see him again when he hinted he could get a room in the hotel. 

Ugh. After that, I swore I wouldn't be blinded by a guy's bling bling.

I've been with my current boyfriend for a few months, and so far we haven't really gone anywhere fancy. No fancy restaurants with discreet tips to the receptionist, no places where the meal is worth a quarter of my salary. It's the simple things, actually.

People say you need to have money to have a partner, partly that's true, but you don't need an obscene, lavish amount. It's not like you're planning to pick out diamonds from his/her bellybutton kan? 

Things like travelling a lot together. Forcing myself to stay awake while he drives to Penang 4 hours straight. Trudging through a muddy field at a friend's wedding. Waking up at midnight and dragging him to McD for a cheeseburger. Walking in the city, spilling our hopes, dreams, and goals to each other. Watching a movie and feeling his fingertips creep around mine. Waiting for both schedules to be free so we could watch Game of Thrones together. Waiting for him to come home so I can lay my head on his lap and unload the daily news that unfolded. When he kisses my forehead. I'm so fond of these things, and every time I think about it, I shiver because it's too good, it's too great.

These are the things I want to remember forever. I think those lavish dinner dates are great, but only if you're dating the son of Roman Abramovich. It's great if it happens once in a while. But if it happens everyday, then the value of the date itself will disintegrate. All these expensive places won't mean much because it's happening everyday. How much foie gras and wagyu beef can you eat anyway?

And at the end of the day, which one will last forever? The three-hundred-ringgit worth of lobster in your stomach that you'll churn out anyway, or the memories that the finest restaurant can't give you? 

Ideas for a cheap date:

1. Picnic at a park 

2. Movie dates

3. Hot dogs, currypuffs and people watching at Ikea!

4. Coffee dates

5. Save up your money and go travel!

57. the "f" word.

I've never....

been the tallest girl. I've never been the most sought after girl. I've never been the most beautiful, or gorgeous, or pretty. I've never had the perfect hair, or perfect nails, or perfect skin. I've always been known as the fat, dumpy one, trailing along behind her family.

Every time we'd go around visiting relatives, everyone would say that my brother was so fair, and I was so dark. That I was "makin sihat" (Malay for healthy - insinutating fat). Even my friends made fun of me, called me a penguin. I was born with inverted legs, my legs will never be straight. It's gonna be as crooked as scoliosis. I waddled and walked.

One day when I was 17, it hit me real bad, I started to panic.

God, why wasn't I born skinny? I'd cry and wept as I prayed to him. My mom's words cut into my heart, jagged and sharp, as she screamed at me and poked me and said, "gemoklah, pergi jog" (Malay for you're too fat, go and jog). I felt right there and then as if she had just branded my forehead with the word FAT. 

Two weeks before my prom, I panicked. I couldn't find anything to wear. We went to this costume rental shop, the theme was "vintage" or some shit like that. In the picture, the model looked like Audrey Hepburn. When I tried it on I felt more like a sausage roll clown parading around in an ugly wig. I couldn't even zip the back of the dress. I was only 17. 

Insecurities, like vines on a window, crept up to me. I was prickled with fear. I went to bed, my pillows drenched from the tears that poured from my eyes. I pinched my own stomach, pulled at the layer of fat, and cried at how fat I was. Fat. I grabbed it ferociously, trying to tear my own fat away from my body, only to cry some more because it hurt, and cried at how pathetic it all was, how pathetic the whole situation was. That I was going to die a virgin spinster, alone, fat fat fat. 

I did the inevitable thing.

I took the easy way out.

My trembling fingers found their way to the back of my throat, and I purged. I purged all the food I ate, cried again because I felt so fat. I felt confused. I thought I was born this way. But people were telling me I'm not supposed to be this way.

I began to go jogging. I jogged everyday, rain, shine, drizzle, an hour and a half, determined to burn those bloody fat away. I wish I could tell you that suddenly, I was starting to resemble a beanpole. Alas, it did not. My calves harden, my legs grew skinnier, but my boobs and arms remained the same. I changed what I ate, my boobs still remained. I ate, purged, jogged, did sit ups as I watched Alias. But my boobs still stayed the same.The boobs. My ex even named them, Pamela, and Anderson. He told me that it was his favorite thing about me, that my boobs were big.

I was so uncomfortable with my body.

Because I had thin legs but I had big boobs and arms. I felt it was too skanky for me to wear anything short. Other girls pulled it off effortlessly, if I wore it, with my giant boobs, I would redden when guys leered at me. Or did that ugly screeching sound where they pursed their lips and made wet raspberries. Guys would lick their fingers in front of me, or grabbed their crotch. I felt so weirded out. I was ashamed of my own body. I was ashamed of myself.

At the age of 23, when I returned from my 6-month-internship stint in London, I entered the workforce immediately. Exercise had long gone dissipated into the wind when I left for Europe. Returning back to my hometown, I ate with such vigor and enthusiasm. Satay? Yes, please. Meehoon goreng? Bring it onnn. Fried chicken? Do you even need to ask? I ate like there was no tomorrow.

Then, at that time, a friend invited me to go to the gym with her.

She told me it'd be nice to be healthier for my then-boyfriend. I agreed. I signed up for one year, and man, I worked my ass off there. Stairmaster, rpm, cardio, weights, you name it, I did it. A pompous peacock prick of an instructor told me, "you ni dah cantik, tapi you lagi cantik kalau you kurus. Train dengan I la!" Whatever. I did the bodytones. My body was changing. My boobs still remained.

I found out later that my ex had been cheating behind my back with this so called friend.
Yep, the one who invited me to the gym.

They had an affair to remember. What a fool I was! Of course he would cheat on me! Who the fuck wouldn't? She had a hot body, he had mentioned once that if he was ever to do a threesome it would be with me and her. Haha, what a guy, huh?

I found out this girl later on bitched about me and made fun of me. Of my hair. My skin. Of my body. To my best friends. While she was going out with my ex. For a while, that really killed my already-almost-zero-self-esteem. I moped around. I blamed the world. My mom. My dad. My inferior gene pool. I stopped gymming. I drank a lot. 

But then I realized, to hell with the world! It's about me! 

I dumped that ex. I changed jobs, picked up my jogging regime, did weights at home, completed tried to do Beach Body Insanity Workout. I changed what I ate, stopped drinking coffee so much. Started buying the right bra. Bought new shoes. Bought clothes that I thought accentuated my curves instead of hiding them. 

It changed my outlook on life.

For once, my happiness wasn't dependent on men. I radiated from the happiness I gained from looking good. It sounds weird, but it felt good to look good. To hell with the wolfwhistles. It made me feel even better. I started going out with guys, not because they wanted to get into my pants, but because they thought my smile was the sexiest thing ever. One of the guys said that "babe, your confidence is so sexy". But it all sizzled out, of course.

And now, I'm with someone who makes me feel so beautiful. That when I'm in the room, I'm the most beautiful person he sees (I know it sounds vain, but yes, it really feels like that). But that's a plus. He tells me all the time that I'm sexy, and I feel it too.

The world's no longer a bitter shade of black for me. It's not gloomy anymore. I used to hide behind frumpy clothes but now I wear what clings to my skin. Sometimes I look in the mirror and say to myself, "you look beautiful today". It makes you glow with confidence. That glow is the one that actually makes you more beautiful. A stranger looks at you and says, "wow, this girl is smiling, her smile is so sexy". Ask anyone, whether you're more attractive with a smile or a frown on your first. They will always say the former!

You have to realize that you don't have to be tall, or short, or skinny, or fat, to feel sexy. You just have to feel good about yourself. Because that is what makes you sexy. 

It took a long time for me to be at ease with myself. I'm still short. I'm still frumpy. I'll never have perfect hair. Or spotless skin. I'll always have the right front teeth longer than the left. My legs will never straighten. I have scars on my legs. But I'm okay with that. And so should you.

This post is dedicated to every girl out there, who have not felt comfortable in their skin at one point in their life, or hated the sight of themselves in the mirror.

Hehe okay yeah I stopped gymming for a while but I'm picking it back up now and I'm gonna try to reduce my carb intake, I swear :0

56. of weddings #SueShen

Back in 2011 when I was working in Nuffnang's sister agency, Churp Churp, a new girl named Sue came in. She wasn't really shy, she was extroverted and loud and do-as-I-damn-well-please attitude. We had lunch together in a clique a lot - it was me, Farah, Sue, Thara, and on-off Anne.

  

Ini crazy bunch at Nuffnang/ Churp Churp.

When she was working in Nuffnang, she was still going out with some new guy every other day and playing the "keep it cool" card. I thought to myself, man, this girl is pretty bad ass when it came to guys. When I left the company, we didn't meet for a long time, until one Thara invited me for a catch up dinner because Farah was leaving for Scotland. That sparked off the dinner at random places and shisha sessions.

 

Suddenly, this guy called Shen came along to one of our lepak sessions... And when I first met him I said to myself, "ohhhkayyy another one of Sue's ahem ahem". But again and again, and againnnn, he was there. Very chill, calm guy. Didn't really talk much to him haha. Then Sue told us, "babe, I'm getting married!" WTF. And she asked us, "can you guys be my bridesmaid?" So honored.

Was at this meet up that Sue told us. 

We shisha-ed more after the announcement, and she passed us kain to wear for her wedding. Slowly, I got to know her fiancee more, throughout more shisha sessions. The months drew closer, and finally, one weekend came where it was her wedding reception (in Perak)!

Sue looked unbelievably stunning. As we saw them both walk down the aisle, you knew that love was in the air, and no two people suited each other better. 

The next weekend was the reception in Penang, so me and him took the four hour drive up to Penang. It was a beautiful, outdoor wedding, right next to the beach. To everyone's horror, the evening was clouded by hevay rain, but it didn't dampen anyone's spirits. This is exactly how I imagine my wedding to be (although we could do without the rain).

Here's to #SueShen, may the happy couple embark on a beautiful journey and begin the rest of their lives as husband and wives :) You can now ber-SUEKAHATIHAHA now with your hubby! 

55. catty behavior

I have three beautiful cats:-

(Clockwise from top left: Caramel, Fame, Panther & Max).

1. Caramel

I don't really instagram many pictures of Caramel :( Come to think of it, I don't really know why. Well, I know why. She's a feisty little minx. (I had more on my new phone, which is being repaired in the Sony Centre at the moment). I will upload more solo pictures of her.

In my opinion, I feel like she's the prettiest one, and she knows it (probably why she's not too affectionate, cause she knows she'll get anything). She's five months old, with beautiful, Bengal-like brown stripes. At the age of 3 months, she killed a bird that was flapping around on my 19th floor balcony. She'll bite your hand playfully, but when I come home and chill at my sofa, she loves to lick my feet. Ick, but endearing.

2. Fame

(Fame and Caramel are names my friend's 12 year old sister gave to the kitties, so go figure). Fame's Caramel's brother, who died when he was 3 months old. Fame was very playful, and loved to bite my fingers and toes (maybe the foot fetish runs in their genes). I adopted Fame, Caramel and Panther from the supermarket at the same time. He was a beautiful grey color, and I do miss him. But with three other cats on my plate, they keep my occupied enough as it is.

3. Panther

Panther is the super affectionate one in the house. She's curl up to you any chance she gets, whether you're trying to read the newspaper, or watch a movie on your laptop. She has a very weird meow - I can't describe it, except that it sounds "wonky" haha. I used to find her so annoying, but she's grown on me (maybe cause the other two are not as affectionate). She's 6 months old. In the picture below, my housemate used extra fabric from his trouser legs 

4. Maximus

Max is the King of the house, and causes havoc at home. He's a greedy bastard, who ends up pawing the other two kitten's bowl towards him once he gobbles down his portion. You can read about my journey with Max here. 

He's quite fat. I've been trying to cut down his food intake, even changing to expensive no-filler cat food :( I don't know where he gets his extra fats from.

So these cats do fill up a good portion of my day. If you're thinking of adopting cats (please adopt!), keep in mind that your furniture will be destroyed, they'll break everything possible in the house, and be prepared to invest in expensive things like shots, anti-flea spray, food, deworming syrup, and so forth. But they comfort me so much, and I love them. 

54. monochrome

I love Jessica Alba. She's a great role model, combining her life as a mom, actress, and entrepeneur of The Honest Company. I also love her style.

She always seem so chic and stylish, no matter where she is, for whatever function. If you notice, she tends to stick to a lot of black, white and grey palette. She also wears fabrics with micro patterns. 

That's my take of a black and white palette.

With red wedges to add height to my shortness.

Terrycloth cotton cardigan from CurvyLurvy.

Tank top and wedges from Forever 21.

Leggings from Cotton On.

53. The way I feel inside

It's weird that I feel the way I do. I never know it could feel like this. That the gulf of love and passion is so vast and endless. It's like I'm on an emotional high. A constant high. The giddiness I feel inside when he looks at me.

The butterflies and knots in my stomach, trails a euphoric feeling across my head, lifting my soul into this feeling of love. I love the warmth of his fingers as he traces it on the back of my hand, or intertwines my fingers in his. When he whispers, 'I love you', it's the sweetest thing I have ever heard, the way his mouth curves into a 'U', sends my head into a spin. It's the best sugar rush I have ever had without the real thing.

When he arches his neck, and laughs his comical laugh, sometimes it sets my spine tingling, and my blood warms with the vibration of his sweet voice. I love the way his hair is so long, that they curve upwards to the sky, at the nape of his neck. And I am in love with his towering height, and how comforted I feel when he leans forward to gently dust my forehead with his sweet kisses.

My soul is set ablaze with his love. I'm burning the hottest furnace of love there ever has been in my heart. It makes me want to be a better person, because I am loved by him, and him; I. Everything they ever wrote about, described, sang, told about, idolized about this concept of "love", I finally understand. Now I know why Nabokov could write the way he did about Lolita. 

52. updates, updates

I haven't updated this blog for a wee bit. I apologize for neglecting it, there's been so many things in my life lately! First of all, I started curvylurvy.com, which is a mini blogshop offering handpicked, quality and affordable clothes for short, curvy people like me :) I offer clothes like the following:-

I offer free postage within Malaysia (woahhh!!) so do place your orders now by visiting:-

http://www.curvylurvy.com

Or follow me on instagram (cause that's where I upload my things first) at 

http://www.instagram.com/mycurvylurvy

Anyways, another big news is also under wraps. I can't reveal it yet, but Alhamdulillah it's such a rezeki and blessing for me and hopefully (not to jinx it) everything will work out. Okay I'll try updating daily. So sorry for being so late in my updates. I might be doing more outfit of the days now :)